“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.