[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
nobody’s gonna understand
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice