Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Never let them know your next move 😂
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.