Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
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I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
boat question
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
thinking about a very short hotdog
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.