What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.