If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
You Might Also Like
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles