My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
When they try to steal your moment.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?