My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
had to share :’)
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Close call…