Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”