As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.