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Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]