secret recipe
You Might Also Like
What’s a Messi?
it must be school picture day
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Cinematography is my passion
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.