Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If you love someone, let them tweet.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.