The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Carpe DM
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Kids, do not try this at home!
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒