Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.