me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
You Might Also Like
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
two people or more is called a problem