Me after watching a horror movie! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My husband鈥檚 birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
it鈥檚 crazy you can鈥檛 just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there鈥檚 no other way
Don’t we all.
when someone rings the doorbell
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I鈥檝e invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
You don鈥檛 need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me: There鈥檚 a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He鈥檚 totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.