“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Saint West, the patron of selfies
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
no!! no!!!!!!
The Compass
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Time heals everything 🙂
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did