think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first