Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
You won鈥檛 find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA鈥檚 early experimental cafeteria test salad programs鈥攁 number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I love you and all but I鈥檇 push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
2020: omg we鈥檙e entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Her: I鈥檇 love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
i shouldn鈥檛 be laughing, but i am
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
It didn鈥檛 intend to write my 7-year-old鈥檚 school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.