So creative 😂
You Might Also Like
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.