Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
At least he brought enough for everyone
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
That 👊
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.