Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
adam and eve had first world problems
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.