*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*