My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
so weird how every mom was born today
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.