That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
You Might Also Like
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack