I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Perfection.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
When the stylist spins you back around
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram