Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
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So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.