Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
i can’t wait that long
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
new year update: losing everything but weight
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.