you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
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Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.