I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
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Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.