[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
When someone trying to leave me
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.