Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks