Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
decorating my apartment
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
honestly, i need both:
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME