Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Every damn time
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
welp