What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If looks could kill
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.