If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
You Might Also Like
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨