MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*