Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
lol
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.