You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?