You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
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I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities