him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics