*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
shut up and take my money
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.