I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
HOW DARE YOU
what the
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?