going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
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My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Usage Guidelines
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT