Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
a god among men
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”