You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
A Short Story.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I don’t think my car can fly
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol