CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’