Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
No, he would not have.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
$3 #books
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now