Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
You know…for fall…
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?